In many chats,asking questions often gets sidelined, leaving talks lopsided. Cultural conditioning might be why folks hold back from digging deeper with others, a recent look into this issue suggests.
Columnist David Robson shares insights from Jessica Way,an applied psychology professor at New York University. She studies "interpersonal curiosity." Way's work finds that Western patriarchal norms discourage probing into others' lives,leading to surface-level conversations. Robson saw this at a friend's birthday — a writer droned on about his work but showed no interest in others.
Way's curiosity on this topic began back in 2007 when she lived in Shanghai with her kids. Upon returning to the U.S .,she tried sharing her life-changing experiences but was met with apathy. “No one, literally nobody,asked me questions about it,” she recalls,leading her to wonder about curiosity’s role in social interactions.
In her research,Way asked 389 students aged 11 to 13 what they’d like to ask friends, teachers, and family. Responses varied — some kids had no questions, others wanted to dive into personal matters . Those who asked about others' lives reported stronger friendships and better well-being.
Way stresses that supportive relationships are key to health and happiness,and asking questions is crucial for building bonds. “It really is the secret sauce of all human connection,” she says. But why do so few people practice it?
Societal norms have many seeing questions as intrusive. Rising individualism makes people care less about their neighbors. Boys feel this most,being almost twice as likely as girls to have no questions for others,showing how gender roles shape curiosity.
Way’s team gauged adherence to masculine stereotypes, asking students to agree with statements on traditional male behavior like hiding emotions or using aggression . Results showed a negative link between these values and curiosity. Boys endorsing these stereotypes were less interested in others' stories,hurting friendships.
The connection was stronger in boys,but some girls also absorbed these behaviors. However,their curiosity seemed less impacted by gender norms,showing gender differences in curiosity and relationship quality .
Way argues that science undervalues interpersonal curiosity due to sexist views labeling it feminine . “We think that interpersonal curiosity is feminine,and we don’t value what we’ve deemed feminine,” she explains.
To combat this,Way created the Listening with Curiosity Project, a curriculum for New York Public Schools. This 26-lesson program teaches students to ask open-ended questions and engage deeply with others. Results were positive; students showed more curiosity and better friendships, with boys improving the most.
Way thinks adults can also gain from practicing curiosity. She suggests starting with familiar people, asking about childhood memories, which can lead to enjoyable talks. Following up with genuine interest can deepen connections.
At social events,she encourages sharing the newfound interest in asking meaningful questions . “We are starving to be asked real questions,” she says. “Just do it.” This call to action shows the potential for richer interactions through simple inquiries .
