BRIC Team reports: The Jimmy Kimmel Live! host let loose with his usual no holds barred jokes about broadcast and streaming — including his own ABC network bosses — just weeks after surviving yet another effort by President Trump to get his show canceled. Here are Kimmel’s best jokes from his upfront monologue: “I didn’t think I’d see you guys again either.
Yeah, the bad boy of data and measurement solutions is back.” “I’ve been through so much bullshit this year it actually made me appreciate this bullshit.” “You know, usually in order for ABC to pull you off the air, you have to throw a chair at your Mormon boyfriend.” “Yes, the President tried to get me canceled over the last six months. That’s one way to look at it. Another way, is you could also say I’ve ‘generated unparalleled engagement across a variety of platforms.’ Largely thanks to our partners in Washington, we are up 25 percent among viewers … it’s a big deal to have your numbers go up nowadays.
Background
With that said, if Johnny Carson woke up one day with my ratings, he’d have gone straight under the sink and chugged all the Drain-O.” “I cost our company a lot of money this year, billions. It is very possible that no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more than hiring me 24 years ago. Just from a purely mathematical standpoint, it was the worst personnel decision that Disney Corporation has ever made.
Key facts
- Here are Kimmel’s best jokes from his upfront monologue: “I didn’t think I’d see you guys again either.
- It is very possible that no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more than hiring me 24 years ago.
- Just from a purely mathematical standpoint, it was the worst personnel decision that Disney Corporation has ever made.
- Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez did more damage.” “I’ve had four bosses [at ABC] — Bob, Bob, Bob and [current Disney CEO] Josh.
- As in, all the shows you saw earlier will be canceled d’amaro.” “This will be the first Super Bowl on ABC in 20 years, and we are going to milk the bejesus out of it.
What this means
Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez did more damage.” “I’ve had four bosses [at ABC] — Bob, Bob, Bob and [current Disney CEO] Josh. As in, all the shows you saw earlier will be canceled d’amaro.” “This will be the first Super Bowl on ABC in 20 years, and we are going to milk the bejesus out of it. We are going to spend the whole year promoting what’s already the most popular thing on Earth.
And as if the country isn’t already divided enough, we put the game on Valentine’s day just to be dicks. And let me tell you what the halftime show this year is going to be: The whitest shit you’ve ever seen. Welcome back, O-Town.” “I was on The Late Show last night with Stephen Colbert.
